Healing and Growing

Today I joined the Black Lives Matter Kansai march in Osaka.

It took me quite some time though until I finally decided to go.

There were so many mini Sevals in my head and all of them wanted to be heard and taken into consideration. 

There was the ME that is introverted and really didn’t want to go into a big crowd and possibly run into familiar faces from the past - from past jobs I left because I didn’t want to be around certain people anymore.

And then the introvert and individualist in me, who feels uncomfortable doing something simply because EVERYONE else is doing it. 

I’ve always been like that. I remember back in my conservative high school in Southern Germany when the whole class had to get up in the morning and all 30 something kids prayed the Lord’s Prayer and how that always shook me up and gave me a “I’m in the Matrix” moment. The idea of a big number of people chanting words that are not everyone’s believe, not everyone’s faith, not everyone’s political opinion or whatever simply gives me the chills. 

Then there was the Me that didn’t want to be irresponsible by going into a big crowd after the long lockdown time with the possible scenario of infecting myself during the march and then spreading the virus amongst friends, who have been responsible during ALL this time.

Also the Me that didn’t want to be reduced to the two phrases “black lives matter” and “no more racism” because there is so much more that goes on in my mind that wants to be said and heard. 

And the Me, who is passionate about politics but is tired of clashing with people who don’t really want to have a genuine discussion in order to understand each other but only care about voicing themselves, winning an argument, or showing off with statistics because they can remember shit like that so well. 

Oh and then my very old childhood days Me that could see beyond black and white arguments and sensed how many other shades of grey of a story there were. That Me has always been trying not to rock the boat, not to upset the ones around, and not to destroy harmony. 

And ultimately the Me that knows that YOU’VE GOT to stand SOMEwhere, even if you end up standing alone. 

In the end I was glad I went. Yes, there were moments when I had to pep talk my introvert self into joining the crowd by myself, or when I felt torn between repeating the chants with everyone: on the one hand it felt great to see and be part of a caring community, and then, on the other hand not finding it in my nature to join the big chant. 

In all countries there are different levels of racism and discrimination. Some are right there, right in front of us and in front of our screens when a cop erases the life of a black man just because he can. And some are subtle and hard to pinpoint but somehow they sting in your heart when you hear them, like when a Japanese person asks me whether I am “a half” - half Japanese, half something else - thinking they are complimenting me because a lot of Japanese are convinced that “halves” are more beautiful. I asked myself what exactly upsets me about it. Why does it seem to matter , when we have just met, to what percentage I am of a certain nationality? Is it because we think life is easier when we can put people in boxes? I guess I don’t want to be put in a box and be judged by that. But when I think about it that way then I guess deep down we all find ourselves guilty of needing to put people in a box, so we know how to treat the person.

We all need to do some growing. “Black Lives Matter” feels like the peak of the inner child of humanity to me that never had a real chance to be heard and then heal. Yes, there are many many stories in between like “what about black people killing black people” and “ALL lives matter”. But you got to start somewhere and it’s common sense to start with the part that needs most healing, so that at some point the waves of all healings reach all of us. And just because we take care of the big healing doesn’t mean there is no room for other healings.

The hardest part is always the part that focuses on acknowledging and becoming aware of our thoughts and words and what good and bad impact they can have. And then there is the part that’s about listening! REAL listening to each other and be more understanding. 

And THAT’S why I decided to walk today. 

The moments I feel most hopeful are the ones when someone says to me “I hear you” or “I see you”. And even though at the time I decided to march along I wasn’t fully aware of my reasons, after processing today with this blog post I can see that it was important to me to express “I see you” no matter how small my voice.

Osaka has been my home for the last twelve years. It’s my city, and my community and if I don’t express myself in my community how else can I ever have an effect on what’s going on in the world?